Don’t feel morally superior just because you get your thrills from the Sears catalog.
Admit it. If you have a fully-functional nose, you probably sneeze. Especially if you have an internet connection. Considering the ever-growing presence of online sneeze ephemera, it’s obvious that not all of that sneezing is innocent. Lots of people pay good money to access such material. Yet I don’t care if, to you, it happens to mean the tissue paper and handkerchief sections of the Sears catalog. It’s still sneeze-porn if you use it that way. I even know a highly anti-sneezing Christian lady who subscribes to a “medical” (ear-nose-and-throat) magazine called “Alaska Men’s Noses”, or some such thing. Sorry. You can’t fool me.
And I doubt Jesus puts it high on his list of priorities anyway. After all, God did create the nose, or so I’m told.
God created the nose and, by extension, sneezing.
I don’t look at mainstream sneeze ephemera for what I consider very good reasons. Here’s my hate list:
1. Sneezing as an Acrobatic Performance
Can’t we bring back normal, everyday sneezing? Perhaps even sneezing in the context of a loving relationship, or at least a fantasy sneeze encounter? Not
Since when did sneezing become a circus act?
random groups of people synchronizing their sneezes like a freakin’ symphony orchestra. Not people contorting themselves into unnatural positions in an attempt to accommodate multiple sneeze partners.
And what ever happened to the build up, the tension? When I was young we would use baseball lingo to describe such things. “Bummer, Ted. What can I say. Everyone says she’s easy, but I couldn’t even get to first base.” Or, on a better night, “Hey guys, guess what happened on my date with Cindy. We were about to make it to third base, but she started having second thoughts. Fortunately, I snuck out my secret weapon. Just one whiff by her brought us all the way home. I hope Dad didn’t notice I took his snuff box.”
Sneeze ephemera nowadays means a solid hour or more of non-stop sneeze “action” right out of the gate. Some might find that enjoyable. Others prefer building up slowly. You know, fore-sneeze. I imagine those nasal passages get pretty sore after a while too.
But what can I do? (Sigh.) Just go ahead and bring on the pepper and freshly cut onions, I suppose.
2. Standard-Issue Sneeze Talk and Sounds
I don’t enjoy overly loud, overly dramatic sneeze build-ups and releases. You know, “ah…ahhh…ahhhhhh…AHHHHHCHOOOO!!!!!…..ooohhhhh…ahhh…ummm…SO much better, baby.”
“Yeah, honey. God bless you, hehe, or should I say gesundheit. Let’s keep this going all night, baby. I’m still locked and loaded.”
Real people just don’t sneeze this way. And they don’t talk that way either, outside of ’70s night at the local club – that is after a few stiff drinks.
Real people just don’t act or talk this way unless it’s ’70s night.
3. All-Shaved, All the Time
Bring back those fuzzy lips!
Just what the heck happened to those days when the lowly nose hair wasn’t only ignored or tolerated, it was celebrated? “Nosey” magazines stacked high behind the counter of every convenience store (with the possible exception of the state of Utah). All said magazines proudly boasted a centerfold flaunting her lovely nostril and lip jungle.
Shaving and plucking has become a big bore. I say bring back those furry seventies lips.
4. Sneezing as an Attack
Nice, but keep it in the Kleenex, please.
Since when was sneezing supposed to be an attack? Last time I had the misfortune to land on a typical sneeze website, the modern act of sneezing appears to have morphed into lots of hard slapping, harsh profanity and insults, and even choking. Since when did a sneeze become an act of violence, beyond that of rapidly expelled fluids?
I’m not with those wacky feminists who claim all sneezing between men and women is rape, but I agree about this.
5. The “Money” Shot
Why in the world would anybody want to see the end results of a sneeze? Who would be insane enough to look forward to that as essential – the climax of a sneeze video?
Keep it out of view and where it’s intended to go – or at least into a tissue and the toilet.
A sneeze might feel good, but it’s sticky and gross. I don’t want to see that.
As my username implies, I'm a long-time runner, and a lazy bum who would rather write than do real work for a living. I enjoy listening to roots music, such as James Brown and Elmore James, and discovering good, but little-known, movies and shows on Netflix. I live in the Seattle area.